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Friday, June 28, 2013

The reason I pitched 17 years of gratitude journals

So today I was cleaning and organizing our house.  It is small by most standards about 900sq feet.  I came across the box my gratitude journals were in.  Now I don't talk about this much but from a young age I have had on and off bouts of depression besides just being a general lunatic.  A friend convinced me to start a journal to help me illuminate what was good in my life during the harder times.  I agreed to give it a try and being someone who loves to write I did it diligently. 
For a second when I looked at the old journals sitting there I felt it was wrong to toss them I was saving them.  They were saved for when I find myself sitting under the table 10 kinds of sad and I need to know what is right in this world. 
I thought to myself I wonder what I wrote I was grateful for so I opened up the oldest one.  I started it when I was 18.  The first thing I saw was I am grateful for mint tea it taste so good when you are sick.  Then one about an old dick boyfriend being there for me that now makes me cringe just to think I ever even liked such a tool.  Blushing at my own naivete I kept going and saw many things.  I was grateful for some made me tear up when they mentioned my mom who passed away a while ago.  Others were sad to me now because the folks the time was spent with are no longer in my life for various reasons. 
So after a while I closed it up and looked at another then another.  What came to me was that at some point that looking for good became so ingrained in me I don't really need them any more.  Oh sure I still end up under the table sometimes same as everyone else but what it showed me was so long as you avidly try and find the good things you will find them.  This is in no way to say depression does not exist or this is a cure this is to say for people like me who have a vested interest in training themselves to look for the good and see it I know it can be done in some amount of time under 17 years.  I may still well do the journals but when I am done with it I am letting it go not hiding it away for a rainy bad day.
Love
Cappy

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